Thinking, Feeling and  Behavior

            The pursuit of external power and success in our society has led us to repress our emotions. When we repress our emotions we close the door to our feelings. When we put a lid upon this vital force which energize our thoughts and actions, we cannot understand the effects of our feelings upon us. Nor can we understand the effect of emotions of others upon themselves. Without an awareness of our own feelings, we cannot process the effects of anger and joy, grief and sadness. Can we ever understand and share the joys and sorrows of others, if we cannot understand and experience our own? If we are not intimate with our emotions, we cannot identify our behavior. Sometimes we wonder why we behave the way we behave. Therefore an awareness of the force of our feelings is the healthy way to understand our behavior.
        

Recognizing, accepting and owning our feelings is the first step. Feelings are good or bad, positive or negative. Don’t be ashamed of negative and bad feelings, they are your feelings and you have every right to claim them as your own, and not repress them. Then you can identify the nature of your feelings. When you suppress the negative feelings, you will have a hard time to identify them, and therefore will lead to negative thinking and negative behavior. It is clear that how a person sees and feels about himself or herself is what guides the behavior of the person. Therefore identifying the feelings and naming them is essential in the process of therapeutic communication.

       Can you feel hurt, confused, excited, peaceful, content, left out, betrayed, scared, afraid, bored, embarrassed, lonely, confident, used, helpless, remorseful, stifled, silly, numb, frustrated, stressed, proud, energetic, responsible, sick, relaxed, misunderstood, pessimistic, ignored, angry, inspired, anxious, attacked, enlightened, broke, tense, abused, burdened, pleased, threatened, depressed, joyful, sad, encouraged, trapped, grateful, pressured, crushed, uneasy, happy, loved, belittled, irritated, overwhelmed, envious, nervous, perplexed, enthusiastic, or  deprived, when they happen? If you cannot feel them, you already have put a lid over this most wonderful window of emotions. What to do? Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings, and never be ashamed of your feelings how outrageous they are. They are your feelings, own them and recognize them.

The next step is to identify the nature of the feelings. Are they positive or, negative? Identifying the nature of feelings is very important for the next move, that is behavior. If the nature of the feeling is negative, the result will possibly bad behavior.  If it is a bad behavior, you don’t want to do it without looking into the thinking which is creating the bad feelings. Wrong thinking produces wrong feeling, which in turn produces bad and destructive behavior. Norms, rules and contracts that we observe in a healthy family relationship and in healthy community interactions are cognitive rather than affective.

            A norm is a shared understanding of boundaries and responsibilities. Who will do what, when, how and under what circumstances are planned under rules and contracts. These norms can develop through culture, religious belief and through patterns of interaction   in a healthy family system. When these norms work well with each other for the good of the system, they are internalized    as appropriate for good behavior. These norms are brought to light and made valid under the realm of cognition or thought patterns. Mental health professionals  remind us that thoughts, and beliefs set     the stage for behavior.  One of the “cognitive  behavioral” methods is to substitute irrational beliefs with positive “self statements.”

 “Irrational beliefs”  bring about intrapsychic and interpersonal problems. The following are some examples of such beliefs.

My past is the cause of my problems, and the effects cannot be eradicated..

If I feel emotional distress I am going  crazy, and that is unbearable.

I must have good solution to this problem.   I must have perfect control over things.

The world should be fair and just.

I am not worthwhile unless I am really  competent.

      Wrong beliefs and wrong thinking  come from different sources like religion, tradition, culture, philosophy and a host of other realms. We cherish and nourish them.

When such thoughts motivate our feelings and subsequent actions, we are in big trouble. Our emotions like anger, rage, vengefulness, hatred, envy, spite, sorrow, despair, regret, arrogance, self-pity, guilt and so on, produce behaviors like using others, lying, manipulation, violence, brutality, impatience, withdrawal and judging. Then  we can be sure irrational thinking and wrong beliefs have taken hold of our thought process.  A host of  wrong “ internal conversations”  bring us to the state of  confusion and failure.  In such a condition we are incapable of making responsible choices in life.

       If a person’s thoughts, beliefs and perceptions lead towards destructive behavior, then right thinking and right teaching would bring about behavior modification. This is essentially the focus of “Cognitive model” for therapeutic purposes. Right thinking also comes from  religion, tradition, family, culture and from different sources. The test we need to apply is asking the question: “Does this belief help me to build up good and responsible relationships?” If not, it is not the right belief. It is tragic that a kind of stabilization is set through  distorted beliefs and communications, maintaining a destructive balance in relationship. What can we do?

      Identify the negative “feelings”
Identify your negative “behaviors”
Identify your wrong “thinking”
Learn right ‘thinking” diligently.
Commit yourself  to right “thinking”
Choose right “behaviors”
Enjoy the good “feelings”

            The ultimate reward of right thinking and right behavior is good feeling. There is no need to suppress this feeling. Rational-Emotive Psychotherapy (Albert Ellis), is designed to modify the underlyling irrational beliefs.

Words of Wisdom

 Your insight and understanding will protect you and prevent you from doing the wrong things.  
                                                      Proverbs-2:12

    Always remember what you have learned. Your education is your life—guard it well.     Proverbs 4:13
                            Be generous, and you will be prosperous. Help others, and you will be helped.           Proverbs 11:25
Be careful what you say and protect your life. A careless talker destroys himself.   Proverbs 13:3
                         Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your  spirit.                                             Proverbs 15:4
The Lord gave us mind and conscience; we cannot hide from ourselves.   Proverbs 20:27
         An idea well-expressed is like a design of gold, set in silver.                                                Proverbs 25:11

 ...let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind.     Romans 12:2 
Your hearts and minds must be made completely new.                               Ephesians 4:23

 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent .                           Eleanor Roosevelt.

 Into your hands will be placed the exact results of your own thoughts; you will receive that which you earn; no more, no less. The vision that you glorify in your mind, the Ideal that you enthrone in your heart-this you will build your life by, this your will become.           
      As a Man Thinketh—James Allen          Published and ©2002-2005

                                 TOP