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Codependency
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We are born into relationship and we live in
relationships. We are created for “relationship living”
and not for “isolated living.” We live as husbands,
wives, children, grand children, grand parents, nieces,
nephews and friends in relationships. In relationships
we learn to live, survive, grow, learn, love, hate,
succeed or fail. If the supportive relationships have
good boundaries, then people are able to work and live
as healthy individuals. For optimal functioning, the
family system must be able to organize itself into
subsystems with appropriate boundaries for carrying out
the daily tasks for survival and growth.
Codependency happens when the supportive
role becomes addictive . Then people do the wrong thing
believing that they do the right thing. Instead of
acting when faced with problems, the codependent
“reacts,” leading to anger, depression and
self-destructive behaviors. You live as a co-dependent
when you are over-concerned of taking care of someone
at the expense of your own physical, emotional and
spiritual well being. You subject yourself to denial,
anger and lack of trust. You are a codependent if you
are chemically dependent, or live in relationship with
an alcoholic or drug addict.
When the caretaker becomes a victim, and live in
relationships that promote self-hate and low self-worth,
and live with heavy load of guilt, it becomes
co-dependent living. . If one spouse is an alcoholic,
the other becomes an enabler, rescuer and care taker.
The problem of one spouse becomes the problem of the
other. The spouse of an alcoholic believes that the
alcoholic is not capable of taking care of himself or
herself, and therefore the person has to be rescued and
cared for. So the non-alcoholic spouse anticipates the
needs of the alcoholic , and takes care of the
responsibilities for the other. In so doing, their own
needs are not cared for, and they feel deprived and
angry. Not only the alcoholic is a victim, the rescuer
also becomes a victim of his or her own behavior,
resulting in self-pity and feeling of hopelessness.
Alcoholism or any other compulsive disorders demand your
life to be around them with the result, both parties
become victims.
Anger and emotional cut off happen when the person is
not allowed and encouraged to take responsibility. If
you are in a codependent relationship with people of
compulsive disorder, such as drug addict, alcoholic, sex
offender, gambler and so on, you never know what to
expect each day. You may continue to hide your feelings
because you do not want to confront the conflicts
that may arise.
There is a sharp difference between beneficial care
taking and destructive care taking. Our job in a healthy
relationship is to help the person to get well, and not
stay dysfunctional if the disability is manageable
through necessary interventions. In any case, we do care
out of ‘love,’ which gives us the desire and the
willingness to go an extra mile when necessary. But
if it makes you angry, frustrated and feel used, it is a
good idea to look for other alternatives. Whatever level
you are in a relationship, if you feel happy about it in
your guts, that is alright. The source of happiness is
in you, not in others. The fact is that relationships
do not have the clarity we are looking for. Clear
boundary is difficult to find in real life. The border
between love and hate, care and neglect are very
unclear. Therefore choose “appropriate workable
boundaries” creating an atmosphere of healthy
relationships.
Acknowledge your feelings—whether they are feelings of
fear, weakness, happiness or frustration. Pretending
that you are strong and can stand against all
vulnerabilities Is unrealistic. Having trust in yourself
also means that you will be available for you. Take
responsibility for the right and wrong choices you make,
make sure that you tell yourself that you can solve your
problems or learn to live with unsolved problems. You
need to take care of yourself by accepting that you are
your best friend. Learn to laugh at yourself. Do not try
to be perfect in everything, accept weakness, enjoy life
and relationships the best you can. Stop saying “I
should have, I could have.”
Your self-evaluation revolves around either guilt and
shame or acceptance and denial. If you live in
codependent relationships, you will have a hard time to
release yourself from the cover up process of denial,
refusing to feel the feelings you feel, and stay
withdrawn.
The key towards the healing process is
“acceptance.” This is a painful process rather than an
intellectual accent. “Acceptance” in its true sense, has
to undergo a process of grieving. We want to avoid it,
as it is easier to stay in denial and continue to be
self-righteous. “I know what I am doing,” “I can stop it
any time I want,” on and on you will have ample reasons
to stay in denial. Defensive mechanism and denial are
used to stay where you are with out making any effort to
move ahead in your emotional life. Somehow there is a
pay back in such a relationship.
In Christian faith “acceptance” of our
sinful nature is the only way, we can receive God’s
forgiveness and new life which is promised to every
believer. We need to confess that we are sinners in the
sight of a holy God. We need to show our willingness to
put to death the old self.
It is a grieving process, and I believe that
the person has to undergo the different stages of
denial- anger, bargaining, depression in order to come
to the final stage of acceptance (Kubler-Ross). This
enables us to see our real nature as God would see it
and allow the cleansing power of God’s forgiveness
work in our lives, giving us a new life through
repentance. Otherwise “acceptance” and “repentance”
will have no effect in our lives. The same with
addictive relationships and with addictions.
“Accept” that you have become an alcoholic, a
drug-addict, accept that you are affected by an
alcoholic or drug addict or people of other addictions.
The common excuse is that you have the will power to
stop it whenever you want. That is the “denial.” Coming
out of living in “denial” and struggling in the painful
process, and finally being at peace in the gut level is
“acceptance.” Along with acceptance, “freedom” is
experienced in order to make the right choices and move
ahead.
The Twelve Step Programs have been found helpful
in treating all kinds of addictions, those who are
addicted, and those affected by addiction. The
following and many other Twelve Step Programs are
available for those who seek acceptance and a new life
in relationships.
Alcoholic
Anonymous—For
people who want to stop drinking.
Al-Anon—For
people affected by someone else’s drinking.
Narcotic Anonymous— For people addicted to
drugs.
Nar-Anon—
For people affected by some one else’s chemical
addiction.
Over eaters Anonymous– For people with eating
disorder.
O-Anon– For people affected by others’ eating
disorder.
Sex addicts Anonymous– For people with
compulsive sexual behavior.
If you need help, I suggest that you find a
suitable Twelve Step Program which meets your need.
The following Twelve Steps Recovery is taken from
Serenity: A Companion For Twelve Step Recovery. 1990
by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Complete with New Testament Psalms & Proverbs.
(This New Testament is a very helpful companion for
recovery)
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our
lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to
the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of
ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human
being the exact nature of our wrongs.
We are entirely ready to have God remove all these
defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became
willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were
wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our
conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying
only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to
carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these
steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and
to practice these principle in all our affairs.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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